Identity Crisis

One of my favorite books 'Into the Silent Land' describes one case where a person suffers from some form of disambiguation wherein he cannot identify with himself , He refuses to accept that voice coming from his mouth his in fact his own .I seem to suffer from something similar, but on a psychological level not on physical level and lot milder . 


I fail to identify myself as human , I do not think , I as such do anything .I do not believe I exercise free will in any way . I am reduced to merely a droid who would respond in a particular manner given appropriate stimulus .


If there ever was a concept of soulless being (not vampires or ghost rider) , I think I would be a contender for it . I can feel pain , I can get angry , I can be flustered , but I no longer can sense calm and peace or can love someone unconditionally .


Upon reflection I realized I have not driven my life in any particular direction , I have never taken any substantialdecision to drive my life/career in any particular direction .I guess I am just expected to go in circle and vanish from face of earth. That would suck..:P

Last Day

I have resigned from my current company and as of now I am unemployed :'(  (After working for about 4.5 years ,Seems a lot but I still think of myself as a newbie  ). There is something thing going on with one other company but its little dicey and I cannot stay in US for long without a proper company to hold and sponsor my H1B visa . < Prays for the best >

Its funny and weird last day in a company where you have spent nearly half a decade  .I am not as such very nostalgic but after doing same thing over and over for years you tend to get used to it ,I can say I got institutionalized here . It was kinda weird thinking I will not be seeing these faces again or I will not be talking to these people ever again ( well most ,I guess I will be in touch with one or two ). Deleting slew of documents that I collected over years ,my knowledge base ..Deleting every single appreciation mail that I received from anyone ...All my knowledge related to process or specific piece of code or domain just down the drain ....hmmm.....well coming to think about it no big deal..:P..

I have thought about things ,I can do or think about doing If I do not receive proper employment .

1. Go to Vegas, Forget about everything and just enjoy.
2. Think seriously about higher studies may be MS or an executive MBA .Though it has lot of roadblocks ,like me studying again ,my age ,not enough time ,resources..blah blah
3. Head back home take a break and hunt ofr a job to start the rat race again .
4. Become a full time stock broker :D .I would need to read few books end to end but I think I can look forward to understanding entire cycle, trying to create my own software for it. (Again very unlikely ,I am not usually very good at new things from start.I have my own learning curve which can be quite expensive in this case ,Also considering how averse I am to taking risks ,It may not be most natural option )
5. Any other idea ??

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Updates

~~ Its weird how sometimes you will you end becoming the very thing you hate . After understanding how Indian IT service industry works I was sure of one thing ,that I did not want to become a manager .The reason for this was that he was usually one of the most hated .People would be spewing venom against him left and right and he would be made fun of like anything .Yes ,this  holds true for any manager in any industry .But then I have only worked in IT and I could see that within six years ( now eight years ) a person would be promoted to manager where he would have no really discernible work ,where he does not require any talent .But can boss around people and be hated by absolutely everyone . Well although I still do not want to be a manager and want to go in more technical line ,Say Technical Architect or so .I realized  Yesterday that I might already have become that person whom everyone hates or well at least dislikes .I guess I fared OK with my superiors and some of my colleagues but may be people who are juniors to me ,guys who well per se I was supposed to mentor seemed to have not formed any kind of bond with me ( perhaps concealed hatred :P ) I guess I already suffered worst of being a manager without perks like pay hike or title or bossing around people..:P . This was all deducted and brought about by the fact .That when I sent my last day mail It did not evoke any response not even a courtesy 'All the Best '..:P ( To be fair I do the same thing to everyone :P) Thing that troubles me here is ,That as a person I am neither affable nor amiable .My initial assumption was since I am shy and introverted not many people know me and therefore have a negative impression about me .But now I am pretty sure ,anyone having a chance to know me also would not be able to form any kind of bond with me . I feel I am dead, there are very very few things which excite me .I find most of the topics of discussion boring including sports , small talk ,weather discussion ,general discussion which would be of no consequence or will not lead anywhere ,Personal experience from which I have no take away .That pretty much includes what anyone would ever talk about. I am usually completely devoid of any kind of emotions unless of course it's a negative emotions.. I do not seem to have any particular goal to look forward to ,I cannot justify my existence ,I do not see why I have to live except perhaps to  not cause pain to people who love me and or need me . Sigh !! ..I crib too much .That's very unlike me or rather that was very unlike me..arghhh..

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