I used to be idealistic, perhaps more than I ought to be, perhaps I was misguided. I do find that I am still fighting that battle for no reason. In search for that holy grail, in order to bring some order from chaos. I suppose it came from a belief hidden somewhere deep within me, a feeling that I might not even have acknowledged. Feeling that if I was righteous or tried my best to be, so would the world. May be it was young man's naivete or may be I was just scared of being reprimanded by powers to be, ever so conscious of crossing an imaginary moral line or having being perceived of doing incorrect thing, I opted almost always for inaction over action, because how would one be blamed for inaction. We let people die of inaction every day, If we are to be condemned for not caring enough through inaction, there is no end to it. However, my probably misguided notion of morality caused me to lead a life which possible could've gone in other direction. I don't know how that life would've been different than this one if I had opted for action over inaction.
Who is to say, it did not work. May be it did work, for I have had low points and times I might consider extreme low points but truth is they were of my doing. It was brought on by my expectation of what life should give me or how things should turn out. I was angry over losing thing I did not have, I wanted control over situation which could no be controlled. May be much hasn't changed, I am still same in many ways and perhaps I might go down same rabbit hole again. Perhaps some mistakes are to be repeated even if you know they are mistakes and would break you.
However, what will happen when the day comes when I will truly lose something I have had my entire or my entire life or when I lose control of something which I should not have. What happens if and when my world will be less idyllic than now. I feel, I will not escape the dreaded pain when life demands more of me than I am capable of handling. What then ? Would my past just be the trailer to the entire movie ? Would I have learned from it ? Would I be more balanced now. What happens if I let go of everything for worse, how would I behave or live with myself.
I know now, that I cannot escape the incoming pain, what then should I ask of life. Answer is probably nothing. For I know it's better to try and rise up to the occasion which life demands of you rather than to ask life to spare you pain. My hope is when such pain comes I should be able to take pride in what I have suffered and swallow the group without dereliction of my remaining duties. That I believe should be the appropriate response whether I am capable of giving such or not I do not know. But I hope in spite of my suffering , I do not inflict pain on others who do not deserve it. I hope when such time comes, I may stay solemn and may or may not change but my duties and obligation to myself and my loved ones do not get affected. I hope I can still walk with my head held up high, that I did what I could and everything expected of me.
