How did I end up here, I keep on asking myself.
I was a normal guy, which mind you at that time seemed worst possible thing and now, the most beautiful thing possible on this planet. There is nothing that I would not give up just to have that routine life with mundane task I so abhorred. I would be ecstatic if that would happen. But nothing short of a miracle could take me back there.
So what happened that makes me say this.
It was not more than 2 months ago, I had moved to Austin. It was a new city for me and I had absolutely no one that I knew. Not even colleagues (I was one man show in my project). I did not mind this and I was in fact looking forward to living a solitary life, not having to talk to anyone apart from my computer.
Initial 15 days were pretty much what I expected, finding restaurants to eat, optimal path to go to work, finding a bar to go drink. However, it was not as much as fun as I expected it to be, for one thing I was still spending lot of time on laptop and television, which really did not give me that longing experience of solitariness.
Then like a blessing, I came across an ad on Airbnb ( which btw is decent site to find accommodation for few days ) which had a country house up for rent, now this was something just out of a television. It showed a small house in the country side by a meadow.It had all basic necessities but house was in a less than impeccable condition. This had me both intrigued and excited , this was everything I ever wanted in a house. House where I can be by myself, no one by earshot, fields to walk through, country side to roam around, I could pick up hobbies which I could never otherwise do in my life, I could get a dog, learn carpentry, do gardening, do my own little science experiments, do creative writing. Of course knowing myself, I knew not all of them or even one of them would be accomplished. But it opened up possibilities and gave me hope to do something different.
I decided to take a leap and rented out the apartment. To my great disappointment house was in pretty bad shape and only about half of it was usable. I convinced myself, this not to be an issue, as I probably do not need 3000 sq feet to myself.
One not so fine night I got up groggy eyed from sleep and headed for washroom.On my way I felt a pinch on my leg,when I looked down I saw I had stepped on piece of sharp wood with which I was trying to learn carpentry. I continued to washroom, that is were I noticed blood oozing out of my leg..I tried to take a closer look at the wound but I lost consciousness partially and took a bump on my head. I lay there for I know not how long. I regained my consciousness, tied my handkerchief to my leg and did not give it much other thought.
I took a leave the next day and rested, I communicated my injury to my manager and requested work from home till I recover completely.
As I got comfortable in the house, I developed an inane fear of going out. I started getting disoriented, this could be attributed partially to my head injury and partially to being alone all this time. I felt I was going insane and would not be able to recover back. My house had started stinking from all the stale food,beer bottles and trash , It had become more messed up owing to my partially completed projects.
Had it not been for that chance status update where I saw one of my old friend coming to Ausitn, I would have decided to head back India to get back my sanity. I invited him over to my house, this I thought would keep me sane or at least confirm my suspicion about being delusional.
I woke up from a very deep and sound sleep, It had been days since I had felt so refreshed. I had increased my alcohol intake and had been going to sleep daily intoxicated and continued drinking in day time. It struck me that I don't remember last piece of work I did. Concerned about the deadline, I opened my laptop and was aghast and confused to see it was 10 days pass my deadline. I saw several 100 mails from my company where they tried to reach me. I was breathless as to how I could have let this happen, may be my head injury had caused partial memory lapse or had rendered me in a zombie state for days. Not that it mattered, I knew I was already fired.
I felt very sad and started thinking about my future, may be I could convince my company that I really was sick. However, the next piece of shock I got would ensure that my life has changed forever. I saw dry blood, I thought it was possibly from the fall I had other day but it seemed unlikely it was a different place.
Then as I followed the stream of blood , I saw a body lying there. It all came back to me like a huge tidal wave trying to run me over.
I saw flashes of images
'Me and Tarun hanging out, drinking together, him trying to go to bed intoxicated, me falling asleep and getting up disillusioned ,going on about as usual half delirious, till finally I saw Tarun lying down on his head, blackish patch near his head, nail half pierced near his small brain ( meudla oblongota ). I remember I was trying to figure what next to do and for some reason I thought drinking would help me, till I got intoxicated fell asleep and forgot about it altogether next day'
So now I here I am , jobless , with a dead stinking body in my attic, possibly mentally disturbed.
I do not see how I could convince anyone of what happened, I don't want to live alone anymore and I cannot face the sight of another person. I think I just don't want to live anymore
Last piece of thinking I will do is to find out best possible way to commit suicide. I would have continued to live for couple of more days ,drinking and going to sleep had it not been for the stinking smell from Tarun'
